10a. Giving Better Back
A practical approach to responding differently when conflict arises in an intimate relationship. Drawing from Mona Barbera’s Bring Yourself to Love and Internal Family Systems, “Giving Better Back” encourages us to meet criticism, agitation, judgment, or distance with greater curiosity, calm, compassion, clarity, and connection. Rather than trying to change our partner, the practice invites us to take responsibility for our own responses and create new patterns of relating.
Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection Into Intimacy and Connection
Mona Barbera explores how couples can transform patterns of conflict and emotional disconnection into deeper intimacy. Through the practice of what she calls “giving better back,” she demonstrates how responding from vulnerability rather than reactivity can interrupt cycles of defensiveness, foster trust, and invite more open-hearted connection.
Introduction to Internal Family Systems
Richard C. Schwartz introduces Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic model that understands the mind as a community of distinct inner parts, each with its own role and purpose. Through compassion, curiosity, and Self-leadership, he shows how wounded parts can heal, allowing greater inner harmony, resilience, and authentic connection with ourselves and others.
8. IFS: Issues of Projections & Coming From “Parts”
In all interpersonal relationships, we are vulnerable to projections. Our doing so seems most likely to happen in intense intimate relationships, when old relationship dynamics are most readily triggered. (Our amygdala takes on a “scanning” function, recognizes when “like” seems similar to “like,” and we respond accordingly, usually out of our conscious awareness.) Sometimes we […]