Interpersonally
An exploration of how to find our way back to nature, to each other, and to ourselves so that we may find our right place in the Universe.
Finding Right Balance
With another...
Once one has learned how to find “right balance” within oneself, there is the additional challenge of learning how to find “right balance” with another person. We need to attend to not leaning on the other unduly. We need to each take responsibility for our own emotional stability.
We need to be attentive to where we intersect with one another’s vulnerabilities; ideally we can each aim to hold one another in compassion, and treat one another with consideration and respect.
At least between adults, lovers or friends, the goal is to have relationships with equal partners, and thus stay attentive to unconscious dynamics which could lead to “power-over” dynamics.
Right Balance Interpersonally...
We also endeavor to do the difficult work of discerning what is “ours,” and what is the other person’s contribution.
We endeavor to do the hard work to discern what is so in the present and what is being triggered from past relationships and/or from our history.
If we take two individuals, each in their own “imperfectness,” out of balance in their own unique ways (we are each our own “unique snowflake” of strengths and weaknesses) then how do these dynamics match up?
Is one of us over-functioning, in ways that collude with the other one under-functioning?
How do we find “right balance” between TWO individuals??
FRAMEWORK
Model Of Wholeness
As described within the context of the individual, each person within a couple might also have their own unique imbalances.
What if one member of the couple grew up “adapting” to needing to take very little, and if safety required keeping one’s antennae VERY focused outward, reading the needs and vibes of the “Other?”
And what if the other partner happened to have grown up in a family-of-origin set of circumstances in which one could only get one’s needs met if one forcefully barged ahead and demanded they be met, without much sensitivity to the needs of the “Other?”
There would be a configuration set up, contributed to by both parties that would need rearranging in order for the relationship to move toward co-regulating peers, each taking responsibility for their own emotional issues, and being available to the other.
Just as IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a therapeutic modality that helps us to discern whether we are in “right balance” within ourselves, there is another therapeutic modality, IFIO (Intimacy from the Inside Out) which teaches us to each look at our own contributions within relationships.
RESEARCH & RESOURCES
Relevant Resources
We’ve curated a few resources and research to deepen your exploration.
Internal Family Systems Therapy: New Dimensions
Edited by Martha Sweezy and Ellen L. Ziskind, Routledge, NY 2013
Intimacy from the Inside Out
by Toni Herbine-Blank, Donna M. Kerpelman, and Martha Sweezy
Toni Herbine Blank's Website
Toni Herbine-Blank, MS, RN, C-SP, is a Clinical Specialist Psychotherapist and Senior Trainer for the Center for Self Leadership. The Mission of the Intimacy from the Inside Out© programs is to promote the expansion and development of the IFIO model of psychotherapy providing trainings, workshops and retreats for therapists and people everywhere seeking aliveness, hope and meaningful change in their relationships.
Intimacy from the Inside Out - Streaming
This video is an illustration of the importance of the unblending protectors in couples therapy. The work is an example of a dynamic that speaks to a basic human dilemma, I want love and connection and yet I am terrified of love and connection. Toni works skillfully helping each partner become aware of "parts" who in their attempt to protect each individual, get in the way of allowing this couple to have the relationship they desire.
ResEARCH & Resources
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We have been immersed in a deep inquiry for almost two decades. We have lovingly curated a living library of books, articles, videos, podcasts, blogs, websites, white papers, and more. Our hope and intention is that any one visiting this site is able to deepen their inquiry into these important questions, and easily connect to the landscape of thought leaders, research, and conversations happening around the world…
“It seems (to me) that we have done a lot of harm thus far, to the planet, to the resources that were held in Mother Earth, to other species, and if we do not MAJORLY turn our beliefs and our behaviors around, life as we have known it will be over.”
FROM THE BLOG
Relevant Posts
Explore more resources and information about Finding Right Balance interpersonally…
24. Global Challenges Are Directing Us Toward a Unity of Purpose
An exploration of how global crises, social division, and collective uncertainty can become catalysts for greater cooperation and unity. The authors consider the movement from separation and hierarchy toward wholeness, ethical responsibility, deeper listening, and a shared sense of purpose across differences.
13. How and Why Did We First Lose “Right Balance” with Mother Earth?
A reflection on how humanity may have lost its intimate relationship with the Earth and with one another. Drawing on Indigenous teachings, Goddess cultures, and Marija Gimbutas’s interpretation of prehistoric Europe, the piece considers the relationship between connection, reciprocity, patriarchy, exploitation, and our growing separation from the natural world. It ultimately asks what we can learn from older ways of relating to Earth and each other as we face today’s climate crisis.
10a. Giving Better Back
A practical approach to responding differently when conflict arises in an intimate relationship. Drawing from Mona Barbera’s Bring Yourself to Love and Internal Family Systems, “Giving Better Back” encourages us to meet criticism, agitation, judgment, or distance with greater curiosity, calm, compassion, clarity, and connection. Rather than trying to change our partner, the practice invites us to take responsibility for our own responses and create new patterns of relating.