An exploration of how to find our way back to nature, to each other, and to ourselves so that we may find our right place in the Universe.

Finding Right Balance

With another...

Once one has learned how to find “right balance” within oneself, there is the additional challenge of learning how to find “right balance” with another person. We need to attend to not leaning on the other unduly. We need to each take responsibility for our own emotional stability.

We need to be attentive to where we intersect with one another’s vulnerabilities; ideally we can each aim to hold one another in compassion, and treat one another with consideration and respect.

At least between adults, lovers or friends, the goal is to have relationships with equal partners, and thus stay attentive to unconscious dynamics which could lead to “power-over” dynamics.

Right Balance Interpersonally...

We also endeavor to do the difficult work of discerning what is “ours,” and what is the other person’s contribution.

We endeavor to do the hard work to discern what is so in the present and what is being triggered from past relationships and/or from our history.

If we take two individuals, each in their own “imperfectness,” out of balance in their own unique ways (we are each our own “unique snowflake” of strengths and weaknesses) then how do these dynamics match up?

Is one of us over-functioning, in ways that collude with the other one under-functioning?

How do we find “right balance” between TWO individuals??


Model Of Wholeness

As described within the context of the individual, each person within a couple might also have their own unique imbalances.

What if one member of the couple grew up “adapting” to needing to take very little, and if safety required keeping one’s antennae VERY focused outward, reading the needs and vibes of the “Other?” 

And what if the other partner happened to have grown up in a family-of-origin set of circumstances in which one could only get one’s needs met if one forcefully barged ahead and demanded they be met, without much sensitivity to the needs of the “Other?” 

There would be a configuration set up, contributed to by both parties that would need rearranging in order for the relationship to move toward co-regulating peers, each taking responsibility for their own emotional issues, and being available to the other.

Just as IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a therapeutic modality that helps us to discern whether we are in “right balance” within ourselves, there is another therapeutic modality, IFIO (Intimacy from the Inside Out) which teaches us to each look at our own contributions within relationships.


Relevant Resources

We’ve curated a few resources and research to deepen your exploration.

Internal Family Systems Therapy: New Dimensions

Edited by Martha Sweezy and Ellen L. Ziskind, Routledge, NY 2013

Intimacy from the Inside Out

by Toni Herbine-Blank, Donna M. Kerpelman, and Martha Sweezy

Toni Herbine Blank's Website

Toni Herbine-Blank, MS, RN, C-SP, is a Clinical Specialist Psychotherapist and Senior Trainer for the Center for Self Leadership. The Mission of the Intimacy from the Inside Out© programs is to promote the expansion and development of the IFIO model of psychotherapy providing trainings, workshops and retreats for therapists and people everywhere seeking aliveness, hope and meaningful change in their relationships.

Intimacy from the Inside Out - Streaming

This video is an illustration of the importance of the unblending protectors in couples therapy. The work is an example of a dynamic that speaks to a basic human dilemma, I want love and connection and yet I am terrified of love and connection. Toni works skillfully helping each partner become aware of "parts" who in their attempt to protect each individual, get in the way of allowing this couple to have the relationship they desire.

ResEARCH & Resources

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Relevant Posts

Explore more resources and information about Finding Right Balance interpersonally…


IFS: Issues of Projections & Coming From “Parts”

In all interpersonal relationships, we are vulnerable to projections. Our doing so seems most likely to happen in intense intimate relationships, when old relationship dynamics are most readily triggered. (Our amygdala takes on a “scanning” function, recognizes when “like” seems similar to “like,” and we respond accordingly, usually out of

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Relationship Repair after a Rupture

Discussions about restoring a better balance, particularly after a rupture – say if one partner has broken out of an old pattern? This image is intended to convey the sense that one partner has grown beyond a previous “fit” within a relationship. This happens not infrequently, if one partner is

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Enmeshment, Codependency, Over or Under-Functioning Within a Relationship

Discussions about “right balance” interpersonally — what if there has been enmeshment, codependency, over-functioning, or under-functioning within a relationship? If we draw from the issues of balance (or imbalance) within ourselves, what if two people (each with their own idiosyncratic imbalances) get together? If we take two individuals, each in

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What do I mean by “right balance”?

I do not use the term “right” to convey “right or wrong,” as in moral judgment, but my belief is that there is – within oneself, within a dyad interpersonally, and within all the elements, all the “players” and all the considerations within the whole world – a balance that

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