Interpersonally

Finding Right Balance

With each other…

In the previous section of the website, we focused on finding right balance within oneself.

Once one has learned how to find “right balance” within oneself, there is the additional challenge of learning how to find right balance with another person. We need to attend to not leaning on the other unduly. We need to each take responsibility for our own emotional stability.

We need to be attentive to where we intersect with one another’s vulnerabilities; ideally each hold one another in compassion, and treat one another with consideration and respect.

At least between adults, lovers or friends, the goal is to have relationships with equal partners, and thus stay attentive to unconscious dynamics which could lead to “power-over” dynamics.

We also endeavor to do the difficult work of discerning what is “ours,” and what is the other person’s contribution.

We endeavor to do the hard work to discern what is so in the present and what is being triggered from past relationships and/or from our history.

Issues#2

Issues of projection and coming from “parts”

Sometimes we interact with our partner as if they were someone from our past, treating our partner as if they were a parent, or as if they were an ex-spouse.

And sometimes different parts of us treat our partner in different ways – a loving part of us, an angry part of us, a competitive part of us, a needy dependent part of us, an insecure part of us – and often we trigger different parts in our partner, re-activating childhood wounds, or triggering their own parts (defensive, self-protective, fearful of abandonment)

Issues#4

Issues of power dynamics

In certain kinds of relationships, in which there tends to be power-over/ power-under dynamics, there may be a relationship within which two people do equal work – but one of the members takes over the full leadership role, requiring the other to simply follow.

Patriarchy and certain kinds of extreme evangelical religions seem to put forth the notion that the male should get to make all the decisions, even if the female does half the work. In some extreme kinds of distorted relationships, the male even insists on full ownership of property and full control of money, even if both partners contribute fully to the wellbeing and functioning of the household and family.

Sometimes it is not even just about gender, as there can be same-gender relationships in which there is imbalance of power.

At least in my view, it is not a healthy relationship unless and until both have input, both have say, both experience an equal amount of power to contribute towards decisions within their lives and relationship.

Sometimes the next “phase” beyond only one person having power is a model in which there is competition over power. However, often this then creates a power struggle, “my way” versus “your way.” Decision-making becomes fighting, arguing, as if only one person can have the power and the two parties compete over who that will be.

This way of interacting in relationships keeps the partners from even experiencing that they are “on the same team,” as they have to try to out-argue, out-convince, manipulate or coerce in order to try to get their needs, wants, wishes, ideas “on the table.”

There tends to be “winner” and “loser,” not a healthy set-up for any relationship.

An alternative, when two people are aligned with a common purpose, and aligned in a common vision of how they want the relationship to be – is that they talk together, each sharing their wants, wishes, needs, fears, goals and visions for the outcome.

If the two people can listen and talk creatively, work collaboratively, a larger vision can emerge that can hold and reflect the needs and wishes of both individuals.

Gottman talks about one of the healthiest clues, predicting happy and enduring relationships, is whether or not each feels that they can “influence” the other, that is have their point of view taken into account, considered, empathized with, and the greatest sense of being “part of the same team” occurs when two people are able to come up with a creative plan that has taken both of their needs and wishes into account.

For a couple relationship to go well, each person’s individual needs and desires need to be part of the fabric of the ultimate outcome created.